IAEA Negotiates with the Empire in Star Wars
In Star Wars mythology, the planet of Alderaan is a free world that will not kowtow to the Empire. Negotiations are pointless with a regime that only lives to further its own power and ruthlessly destroy its perceived enemies. How would the Empire have dealt with Iranian-style diplomatic negotiations with the IAEA (Intergalactic Astro-Laser Energy Agency)?
IAEA. The intergalactic community is a little concerned about this giant space station orbiting Alderaan. We think you've been building a giant space laser that can destroy entire planets.
DARTH VADER. Our Death Star, er, sorry, Planetary Geological Survey Laser, was built to carry out purely peaceful, scientific research.
IAEA. What about your threats to destroy Alderaan?
DARTH VADER. We only said that Alderaan should be destroyed. That it will be destroyed soon, in a lake of fire. That all Alderaan Planetists must be killed, wherever they may be in the galaxy.
IAEA. That's not a threat?
DARTH VADER. If Alderaan attacks the Empire or any of our allies, or even tries to defend itself from our totally justified TIE Fighter raids, we'll certainly deal with Alderaan then. In fact, if any planet tries to fight the Empire, we know that Alderaan is behind it. We will destroy them.
IAEA. With this Death Star?
DARTH VADER. I told you, it was a Planetary Geological Survey Laser. We need it for scientific research.
IAEA. Could you let us inspect your Planetary Geological Survey Laser to be sure that it is not a space weapon?
DARTH VADER. That would be a violation of the Empire's sovereignty. Besides, we know that the IAEA is controlled by Alderaan agents. We will not tolerate sabotage of our Death Star! Er, I meant Planetary Geological Survery Laser. Sorry, I keep doing that.
IAEA. We understand that you intend to conduct negotiations next week with Princess Leia over these issues. Do you feel this might lead to some kind of a diplomatic breakthrough?
DARTH VADER. If the Rebel Alliance wants to talk with us without arrogance and is willing to concede the Empire's natural right to rule over all planets in the galaxy, then we can begin to make progress. Report that to your Alderaan-controlled masters.
IAEA. I guess that's it, then. Thank you for not choking me with the Dark Side of the Force.
DARTH VADER. Yet. Rebel scum.
IAEA. What was that?
DARTH VADER. Nothing. Have a safe trip. Just be careful out there. This part of space is notorious for bounty hunters that will steal your ship and sell you and your crew to Jabba the Hutt. And the main gun firing crew on this Star Destroyer has been very twitchy, lately... But I'm sure you'll be fine.
Jonathon Narvey is the Editor of The Propagandist