The Clash of the Titans is reclassified as The Compromise of the Titans. Wrath of the Titans is downgraded to Irritability of same. If required there will be a Mass Layoff of the Titans.

The release of the Kraken is indefinitely postponed.

Henceforth, all Minotaur functions will be performed by Satyrs. Satyr duties shall be carried out by Nymphs. Dryads will be fired, then re-hired at a lower wage.

The Oracle of Delphi's prophecies, going forward, are now warrantied for just 60 days, and then only on major components.

All wooden horses are hereby de-staffed.

Odysseys must be pre-approved by Ms Penelope in Human Resources. Expense claims for magical transformation and / or Cyclops attack now require both invoices and receipts.

The Three Fates now share Two Jobs. There are 6.75 Muses. The gate to the Underworld is guarded by a one-headed dog. The Ferryman only accepts drachmas, and cannot make change.

The Spartan budget is unchanged. Stoic philosophers however are advised to brace themselves. The Socratic Method will be replaced by a brief multiple-choice quiz. All hemlock requisitions shall be fulfilled in rhubarb.

Achilles has to work overtime like everybody else.

Zeus agrees to a 25% voltage cut, with amperage reductions to be discussed later. Poseidon's undersea empire will display anti-dampness promotional materials in all break rooms.

Aphrodite's new pay grade makes her the Goddess of Inappropriate Friendships. She will henceforth only rise on the half-shell.

Lyle Neff is a Political Satirist for The Propagandist