Interview with NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair's Beard
Ever on the cutting edge of Canadian federal politics, the Propagandist dispatched intrepid cub reporter Lyle Neff to Stornoway recently to interview an important new figure on the parliamentary scene: NDP leader Thomas Mulcair's celebrated facial hair.
THE PROPAGANDIST. So, Thomas Mulcair’s beard. You’ve recently experienced a burst of new growth.
THOMAS MULCAIR’S BEARD. Why yes, thanks. It was a tough leadership contest. Very hairy for a while there.
THE PROP. Not to mention your party’s spurt in Quebec at the last election.
THOS. MULCAIR’S BEARD (visibly bristling). You sure you want to use that language?
THE PROP. No need to be prickly, sir. We just want to know why people feel so warm and fuzzy about you.
TCB. Well. It all started with my idea to trim the policy committ--
THE PROP. Wait. Sorry to interrupt, Thomas Mulcair’s beard. My editor insists on speaking to-- Jon? What can it be? Wait. Calm down! You say -- (lengthy pause)
TCB. Oh, this is intoler--
THE PROP (laughs). Horrible! Close shave indeed! Thanks Jon, I’ll ask him now. (audibly tents fingers) So... Thomas Mulcair’s beard. Seems there’s a whisker of suspicion about your campaign tactics. Something about... free moustache waxings in exchange for votes? How do you respond?
TCB. As a proud inheritor of CCF-NDP moustache traditions, that’s how, citizen. Do I have to point out that beards include moustaches, in precisely the inclusive and respectful way that Jack Layton sought to incorporate new Canadian beards into our country’s hairless areas?
THE PROP. No. You don’t need... What? Sir. Will you admit there’s a five o’clock shadow over your entire --
TCB. I will not. Is your entire website dedicated to the proposition that Mr Layton’s moustache ---
THE PROP. Too soon --
TCB. -- made him look like a Mountie? (lengthy pause)
THE PROP. No, sir. On the other hand, Audrey McLaughlin’s goatee --
TCB. Was a cosmetic device, designed to hide her shame in an era of rampant prejudice against Apoplectic-Canadians. Shame on you. You’re the modern right-wing media? Ptui. I flick your sideburns.
THE PROP. I have no burns, Thomas Mulcair’s beard. Nor chops, nor handlebars, nor pencil moustaches, nor any Trudeauvian soul patch. For in fact I am... (lengthy pause) a Female-Canadian! (audibly removes wig)
THE PROP. Also, with that shitty thing you said about Audrey McLaughlin’s stubble-jumpin’? You’re. The. Worst. Beard. Ever. And the clinical name for alopecia, I’ll have your right honourable ass know, is KAOPECTATE.
(Enter Bob Rae in a bustier for some reason. The interview dissolves in chaos. Thomas Mulcair’s beard exits stage left, pursued by a razor.
Lyle Neff is a political satirist for The Propagandist.