Syria Responds to Child Torture Allegations

SYRIAN AMBASSADOR: "Just so we're clear, here: you are pretty sure that we've committed the worst possible crimes against humanity: the torture, mutilation and killing of children. Assuming we did it, we'd have to be the worst kind of human scum imaginable. That's what you're accusing us of."

UN REPRESENTATIVE: "Yes, that's what we're saying. The Syrian regime tortures and kills children."

SYRIAN AMBASSADOR: "You really think we we're capable of such inhuman conduct?"

UN REPRESENTATIVE: "Well, it seems that way. The evidence we've seen so far points to this."

SYRIAN AMBASSADOR: "Let's assume we did it, just for argument's sake. Let's assume we pull fingernails out of 10-year olds and knock all of their teeth out just for crying for their mommies. Let's say we flay the flesh from their bodies and then burn them to cover up our crimes. What makes you think we would be so nice and ethical that we would actually cooperate with any investigation of yours?"

UN REPRESENTATIVE: "You cannot simply disregard diplomatic protocols..."

SYRIAN AMBASSADOR: "Fuck you and your American spymasters. And I'll tell you something else. You ever come back here, we're going to find your children and assume they are foreign agents of the Zionist regime. We will fuck them up. Are we done, here?"

UN REPRESENTATIVE: "This is highly irregular..."

Jonathon Narvey is the Editor of The Propagandist